Pairing: Takaki Yuya x Inoo Kei (TakaNoo)
Genre: Romance, angst
Disclaimer: Boys aren’t mine. They belong to each other.
Summary: Takaki finds a hard time and a doubt that he can't close the eyes from.
Warning: My English is bad.
An image of peaceful sea is filling my sight. I sit here, on a certain balcony of the apartment I’ve rented since half a year ago. Since everybody could tell how obsessed I’m into sea, so it won’t be a surprise when I choose this location to spend my life for some years, or probably forever. The excitement at the first arrival will never be forgotten. The way I was imagining this view could easily rub away all my upcoming problems became one of my reasons to have a little space in this place called Lanthrum. Yeah, I’m such a simple-minded person. Not a baka, perhaps. But I am just not a giant fan of something complicated.
But truthfully, it did work at some points. When I was getting a hard time at my work place, or when I got mad because the keeper accidentally asked for double payment of the rent, sea always got me healed. Maybe because I love the feeling of how sea always finds its shore, as though it will always find a home to come back; a weird realization which could recover this strange emptiness.
So here I am, looking at the sea-view, composing song lyric on my MacBook, with a cup of vanilla latte on this small table, and with an ache in my chest.
Remember our first meet
On the spring
Where all sakura-petals are falling
365 days since the day
But right now, there’s a different feeling inside my chest. Like no matter how many times I tried to convince myself to just enjoy the view, or how many cups of vanilla latte I’ve drunk, this trouble didn’t seem will leave me soon. It wasn’t another problem at office, it wasn’t another arguments with my neighbors or else, but it was just a pressure that I’ve created by myself. The trouble that I should leave long, long ago instead of keeping it near me.
You’re a shooting star
Shining at the night summer sky
Making me fall in love
In one moment, one chance
And everything could just happen in one certain way
The bell rings, a perfect distraction. It’s Sunday, and I’m not the type who’ll let people come to my residence without any appointments. And particularly, it still is 9 AM. An early stage to have a visit. Okay, maybe it wasn’t too early. But I have different consideration of time.
I wonder if I already knew who’s the guest, actually. And I figured the probability. It must be him. No other than him. Well, I suppose to pretend that I wasn’t at home. So maybe for next fifteen minutes this endless ring will disappear and I’ll have my private time again. But, on second thought, this slight happy feeling grows greater in each second. It was hard to think what will be happen once I didn’t open the door. Like I might lost a chance to meet him, to see his smile…
I eventually open the door.
….and to kiss him.
Kei kissed me—ah no, we are kissing. Because right after his lips touched mine, I replied him without quite knowing why. So stupid of me, of course, the only reason why I gratefully accepted his tasted-strawberry-yoghurt-tongue is must be because I love him. I love him, a ton. More than I can literally explain. But it just felt so strange, kissing someone when it didn’t even feel close to real.
“Are you doing fine?”, he asked
His smile is relaxing, and horrifying at all once. The image of Kei’s unmanaged breath filled my mind. Damn, why he could be so sexy even when he’s just breathing and didn’t do anything else in particular? I hate that quality side of him. More than that, I hate this quality of me who can’t stop adoring those beautiful looks on his face.
“I’m fine”, I answered
Probably not. Not at all.
“I bought your favorite mochi, and takoyaki, and ah—onigiris of course”
“What will you do with these meals?”
“We’ll have a party! Eating party? Snack party? Whatever!”, he giggled
As soon as he beamed those flashy childish smiles, I nodded dumbly. “Yup”, I call back, trying to sound like I know what I’m doing. I do know what I’m doing, really.
So that’s how we spend Sunday together. No romantic plans. It was just Kei prepared all those stuffs, poured my Pepsi to our glasses, watched that not-so-interesting drama on TV, and chatted about non-sense ‘till the sun is setting. And when I realized what we’re currently into, Kei is already laid down on my arms, eyes closing and his peaceful snore dominates the whole space. Again, we were making out. He kissed me for a long time, on top of the sheets and then underneath them. His shaky voice when he muttered my name, when I pressed my pride inside him is the best feeling I’ve ever had.
I usually stay awake when it was over, letting him drift off to sleep. I just wanted to look at him, remember every single detail of our private session so I won’t forget. But then I know I will never forget this kind of moments, so write it down on a journal sounds overdid. That’s why it’s okay, to just have a quiet extra time, craving his memories inside my system.
As if I could have it forever.
The night feels comfortable, with a lot of stars hang up on such dark cover. Whenever it comes to night, the number of people will increase around the sea. Their tiny shadows filled the ground beneath my view, as I gaze toward their movements who didn’t even give me a damn, since I’m standing here on a lone balcony.
A soft whisper came to my right ear, along with a gentle kiss on the cheek while a pair of hands hugged me from behind. I can smell his menthol shampoo on such fluffy hair, and they’re probably still wet because Kei hasn’t reached ten minutes after his last shower. He closed the distance between us even more, tightening the embrace and being clingy. It is similar to drug, a thing you can’t live without and wanting it to stay forever.
“What are you doing, handsome? Waiting for bikini girls, huh? Am I not good enough for you?”, he teased
“That’s not it but—“
“But what? Should I punish you, again?”, he giggled
But, one could tell drug isn’t something that you should consume. Otherwise, you should be away from it. As far as possible, do not letting such opium ruin your life in a matter of seconds. That’s how finally I have this feeling, this war starts to rage inside my chest. The struggle is real, to clear my mind of every possible things of my wildest imaginations.
I turn around, grab his slender wrist and lock the glass window connected to balcony. We’re standing on the small living room, face to face. And his expression is fully showing a confusion, feels puzzled.
“Stop this. I can’t do this any longer”
“What? What do you mean?”
“You clearly know what I meant. I ask for a break-up, Kei”
He gazes wider. This is quite predictable, for him to act like he just heard an alien language that he didn’t quite catch.
“What?!! Why?!! Did I do something wrong?”
“Why? You ask me why? Are you sure you need to ask? Instead of me, I think it’s better for you to ask your finger!!”
Kei fell silent. He didn’t move at all, nor even look at his finger and just hide them on his back. I still could perfectly picture how it looks like, a small silver diamond ring, has K.K initial on it.
“You belong to someone else. Gosh, you get married already, Kei”
“But I think we already knew and aware about this. It’s not that we committed this relationship when I was single. This is just how we had from the start”
“But I’m enough of it!!”, my voice rose. I can tell that. “I am enough to be your dirty little secret. I am enough of pretending. I am enough of living like this. To think how he kissed you when I kissed you, to think how he called your name when we’re making out, to think how you’ve spent your life with him, every night, to think that you’re actually not mine. Not even mine. I’m enough of that, Kei”
“And I thought of, if I love you, really really love you, I should let you have a proper life. Letting you do it right. Not giving you any trouble.”
“Maybe I am a coward, the way I didn’t even try to snatch you away from him. But, it’s just not so me. I can’t do something like that. And we aren’t living a drama. What will possible to occur once we’re being stupidly insane? There will be no easy happily-ever-after-ending. Otherwise, we’ll lose everything”
“But I love you”
“And you love him, too”
“And I am done of these bullshits”
“Don’t hate me”
“I wish I could”
“So… let’s stop it now.”
“And please, when I say stop, it means stop. Stop the calls, the messages, the feelings, everything. Just… everything. Because you know right, even if you say I miss you with your plainest tone, it still gives a great effect to me. So I plead you, don’t… ever do that anymore”
“Don’t pretend like you are a strong person. I know you can’t live without me, and I can’t live without you too. We can’t be happy”
“Then I’ll try to, so one day, I can live without you. I’ll make myself used to it. Everything gets healed by time, so just give it time. It’s probably better rather than I should live on scary imaginations of what are you doing with Yabu, like every time, every seconds”
“Please Kei… let me… free…”
I look down, because I’m sure I’ll break once I keep myself staring at that heartbreaking eyes. I know he got hurt, just the way I am. In fact, I didn’t give any chance for him to speak. I’m dominating this one-sided conversation. But this is what I thought ever since a month ago, one trouble that always bugged my mind, hitting hard like a train.
We should end this affair, soon. Because he will never be mine at the very first place. There’s a difference between waiting and living a proper life. This is the rightest path for both of us. If I have no gut to do it now, then when? I seriously should stop this feeling before I turn crazy. I know I don’t have a good answer of his whys, of his questionable looks, so I just keep myself ignore his stare as long as possible.
“Yuya…”, he touches my face.
“Don’t”, I immediately cut, holding his hands while still avoiding eye-contact. “That’s only for Yabu. He’s your husband. I’m not even standing on the same place as him”
“Just go back. To your home. To him”
“I’m not listening”, he said, in a low, desperate tone. A tear slid down from his eyes, falling down to both side of his cheeks. “I’m not taking your joke”
God. I wish I am joking. I wish I am dreaming. So I could reach a hand and burn him to my chest. But the thudding sensation is real. I love him even when it was difficult for me. But to put it simple, I am not the shore he belongs to. I’m not the right home he could come back to. I’m just… not the one.
Without hesitation, I turn his body to make his back facing me. In a quick gesture, I already succeed to let him stand outside my territory, and didn’t even let him to cross the boundary any longer. We were splitting on my wood front door, with his red eyes and repulsive looks, with these tons of pressing knots on the muscles inside my system.
I close the door.
No sound outside.
But then, hey…
I’m falling in love to an angel
And I don’t have a right to love an angel
We will never be ‘us’
I’m not a God
I’m incapable of things
I can’t break the fate
I wish you to…
Spread your wing
Leave me to your heaven
Soon, my feet are too weak to hold onto the weight. I fall helplessly, leaning my back to the door and shut my eyes. All the memories we have created are appearing, like a ballad song keeps replaying inside my head. He is everything I wanted, but I didn’t have. Deep down, I’m not quite sure of my decision. But since it’s for the best, so I’ll take everything at my own risk.
I open my eyes slowly, finding a cup of lone tea stands on my table. A smile crept, I know it was him prepared me hot tea.
And thus, a drop of water is falling from the edge of my eyes.
But don’t worry
Time flies, decade comes
And your memories will always stay here
Lodging at the back of my mind
A/N: Happy Birthday lu_mi_na!! I don’t know, why angst? And the lyric I’ve made by myself. It was an epic failed, I know right, I’m sorry. Anyway, I’m soooo tired recently at work. That’s the reason I couldn’t keep up with my fics. Because writing cost lots of energy, right? Maybe you’ll see I’m so noisy on my social medias, but damn, I’m not so productive. I’m sorry for that, guys. And if you read this, please give any comments? LOL